A Lady's Pledge

 

Today, I formally pledge to be more of a lady. From here on out, I solemnly swear to:
Take up more space. I will eat up all your space, and show up in places you don’t want me to be. I will be everywhere. I will take almost all the space up in the room. I will stand with my legs far apart. I will stand with my shoulders high. I will be as much of a physical presence as I will be a vocal one. You will hear me from streets down and miles away. I will run circles around you. I will be everywhere you didn’t see me before. I will climb higher and farther in shoes you couldn’t walk in.
I solemnly swear to tell you no. No. No. No.
I swear to look exactly as I want to. I swear to wear red lipstick and drink out of a straw. The next day I will have knots in my hair, thick and tangled. The next day, I will stop shaving my legs. Then, I will shave them again. My hair is my crown and I will cut it all off and I will let it grow long and soft. I will chew you up with my mouth open. I will blow smoke rings and make smoke signals to all the places I dream to go. I will put my napkin on my lap and scribble ideas on the napkin. I will move far away. I will be so high you cannot see me. I will break the glass ceiling on the other side of the glass ceiling, way up in the sky. I will speak assertively. I will say “Excuse me” and I will walk past you. I will carry a sledgehammer with smooth hands. I will eat things that make my belly soft. I will run farther and harder than you. I will invade all the words you own—I will settle softly into sportsmanship and handshake and money and power and dollars. I will pay my own bills. I will dress the way I like. I will decorate myself the way I like, in skirts and pants and smart trousers. I swear to cross my legs when I want to.
I will treat my body like my own temple. I will let people in. I will listen and be compassionate and not so modest. I will take my sexuality with freedom and responsibility. I will not be ashamed by how others interpret shame. I will not be ashamed of myself. I will cover my mouth when I cough. I will drink in great big swigs. I will drink life the same way.
I swear to be known. I swear to be aggressive and calm, a mighty body of water or a contained fire. I swear to make you nervous. I swear to make my own decisions and own my decisions. I will brush my teeth twice a day and be seen, not heard (during movies, only). I will let you buy me dinner and hold the door but I will hold the door open for you, buy dinner, make jokes, speak without being spoken to, be wild and powerful and impossible to ignore. I will sneak up slowly behind you and then I will be gone, quite a ways ahead. I will hold my head high and look people in the eye and say ‘fuck’ when I stub my toe and be the woman my grandmother dreamed women could become. I will be a force, the wind that throws open the door. I will also walk through that door.
I swear you will hear me and listen. I will be hte woman you were always afraid of.
I will take up space. I swear.

(The Frenemy)

NEDA Awareness Week

NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) Awareness week begins on my birthday, February 23 and runs until March 1^st.  This year, I celebrate not only turning 22 years old, but also celebrating a life free from ED. I still struggle. I still want a zipper attached to my body to crawl out of skin. I still can’t look in the mirror without grimacing. So how does one continue in recovery despite this? For me, I had a choice to make. While my ED is not a choice, I have the tools, thanks to Rosewood Eating Disorder Center in Wickenburg, AZ, to make different decisions today. Today, I choose my family. I choose my friends. I choose my boyfriend. I choose the kids at my work, my internship, my school, and someday my career. I choose my health. I CHOOSE LIFE. I choose to wake up every day and meet life head on without the use of my eating disorder to numb all joy from my soul. I choose to feel the sun and the rain. The good and the bad. The pain and the sorrow as well the laughter and hope.

I went on my first run back today after being off my foot for almost three weeks. I cried…I forget how many things I take for granted. The ability to run without pain, to have health, enough strength to move my legs across the trails…the pavement…the concrete. Pounding heart. Inhale. Exhale.

Some were not so lucky. In fact, I have lost five friends this year to their battle with an ED. It breaks my heart that their lives were cut short due to this terrible disease. So this week…I will remember their lives and the words of wisdom they spoke into my life. Their immense strength. And I will draw forth that same strength and continue to fight.

Over 24 million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder (anad.org). Eating disorders, specifically Anorexia, are the number one… the NUMBER ONE killer of all mental disorders. NUMBER ONE!!!

The purpose of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses – not choices – and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder. We have come far in the last two decades but eating disorders research continues to be under-funded, insurance coverage for treatment is inadequate, and societal pressures to be thin or look a certain way remain rampant. Some doctors fail to recognize the signs or offer the help that many people suffering from an eating disorder need. Education is vital. 

While eating disorders are often thought of as something that affect only women, the reality is anyone can fall victim to one. In fact, male eating disorders account for almost 10 percent of all cases. Perhaps even more depressing is that a 2012 study found that eating disorders in children are increasing. Little girls are beginning to diet, to restrict their food intake by age 6.

The signs of an eating disorder can vary from person to person. Common symptoms include an intense fear of being fat, weight loss, avoiding situations in which expected to eat food, using the bathroom directly after a meal, excessive exercise, having conversations that are highly centered on food or calories or weight, "having to" prepare separate meals, and fear of not knowing what ingredients are included in foods (such as at a restaurant).

However, one must remember that eating disorders are really less about food and more about the many underlying issues such as a feeling of a loss of control over life and very low self-esteem. It is hard to remember in today’s society that we all come in different shapes and sizes…and that not one is better than the other.

If you suspect a loved one may have an eating disorder, I recommend you find a neutral setting and time to meet, and then expressing your concerns gently. Think of eating disorders as you would any other serious illness. It is important to remember that they're no body's fault. People don't develop them on purpose. I know I didn’t wake up one day and think…hmm think I’m just gonna NEVER eat again…

When speaking with your friend, use non-judgmental language and 'I' statements. It is OK point out behaviors and emotions you have noticed, but avoid blaming or shaming the person. Be prepared to listen and don’t try to problem solve. Offer to help your friend find a professional to talk to. And for goodness sakes, don’t tell them to just go eat a hamburger…:/ LOVE and support are vital.

Below is a list of the affects an ED can produce:

Psychosocial:

Eating disorders profoundly impact an individuals quality of life. Self-image, relationships, physical well-being and day to day living are often adversely affected. Eating disorders are also often associated with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and personality disorders. Bulimia nervosa may be particularly associated with substance abuse problems. Anorexia nervosa is often associated with obsessive-compulsive symptoms.  The scope of related problems associated with eating disorders highlights the need for prompt treatment and intervention.

 

Medical:

The process of starvation associated with Anorexia Nervosa can affect most organ systems. Physical signs and symptoms include but are not limited to constipation, abnormally low heart rate, abdominal distress, dryness of skin, hypotension, fine body hair, lack of menstrual periods. Anorexia Nervosa causes anemia, cardiovascular problems, changes in brain structure, osteoporosis, and kidney dysfunction.

Self-induced vomiting can lead to swelling of salivary glands, electrolyte and mineral disturbances, and enamel erosion in teeth. Laxative abuse can lead to long lasting disruptions of normal bowel functioning. Complications such as tearing the esophagus, rupturing the stomach, and developing life-threatening irregularities of the heart rhythm may also result.

 

Medical Issues: General

Physical Dangers:

Sometimes those suffering with Anorexia and Bulimia do not appear underweight - some may be of "average" weight, some may be slightly overweight, variations can be anywhere from extremely underweight to extremely overweight. The outward appearance of a person suffering with an eating disorder does not dictate the amount of physical danger they are in, nor does is determine the severity of emotional conflict they are enduring. 

Some Symptoms:

Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

Barrett's Esophagus - associated with Cancer of the esophagus and caused by Esophageal Reflux, this is a change in the cells within the esophagus.

Blood Sugar Level Disruptions-

Low Blood Sugar- can indicate problems with the liver or kidneys and can lead to neurological and mental deterioration.

Elevated Blood Sugar- can lead to diabetes, liver and kidney shut down, circulatory and immune system problems.

Callused fingers - caused by repeated using the fingers to induce vomiting.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome -crippling fatigue related to a weakened immune system.

Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence - increased or decreased bowel activity.

Death- caused by any of the following or any combination of the following: heart attack or heart failure; lung collapse; internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis, gastric rupture, perforated ulcer, depression and suicide.

Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body.

Dental Problems- decalcification of teeth, erosion of tooth enamel, and severe decay.

Gum Disease -caused by stomach acids and enzymes from vomiting; lack of vitamin D and calcium, and hormonal imbalance. 

Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration. Living with the Eating Disorder behaviors can cause depression. Depression can also lead the victim back into the cycle of the Eating Disorder (or may have initially been the problem before the onset of the ED). Stress within family, job and relationships can all be causes. There are also a percentage of people born with a pre-disposition to depression, based on family history.

Diabetes - high blood sugar as a result of low production of insulin. This can be caused by hormonal imbalances, hyperglycemia or chronic pancreatitis.

Digestive Difficulties - a deficiency in digestive enzymes will lead to the body's inability to properly digest food and absorb nutrients. This can lead to mal-absorption problems, malnutrition and electrolyte imbalances.

Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

Edema - swelling of the soft tissues as a result of excess water accumulation. Most common in the legs and feet of Compulsive Overeaters and in the abdominal area of Anorexics and/or Bulimics (can be caused by Laxative and Diuretic use).

Electrolyte Imbalances - electrolytes are essential to the production of the body's "natural electricity" that ensures healthy teeth, joints and bones, nerve and muscle impulses, kidneys and heart, blood sugar levels and the delivery of oxygen to the cells. Bad Circulation, Slowed or Irregular Heartbeat, Arrhythmias, Angina, Heart Attack - There are many factors associated with having an Eating Disorder that can lead to heart problems or a heart attack. Sudden cardiac arrest can cause permanent damage to the heart, or instant death. Electrolyte imbalances (especially potassium deficiency), dehydration, malnutrition, low blood pressure, extreme orthostatic hypotension, abnormally slow heart rate, electrolyte imbalances, and hormonal imbalances call all cause serious problems with the heart.

Esophageal Reflux - Acid Reflux Disorders - partially digested items in the stomach, mixed with acid and enzymes, regurgitates back into the esophagus. This can lead to damage to the esophagus, larynx and lungs and increases the chances of developing cancer of the esophagus and voice box.

Gastric Rupture - spontaneous stomach erosion, perforation or rupture.

High Blood Pressure, Hypertension - elevated blood pressure exceeding 140 over 90. Can cause: blood vessel changes in the back of the eye creating vision impairment; abnormal thickening of the heart muscle; kidney failure; and brain damage.

Hyperactivity - manic behavior; not being able to sit still.

Impaired Neuromuscular Function - due to vitamin and mineral deficiencies and malnutrition.

Infertility - the inability to have children; caused by loss of menstrual cycle, and hormonal imbalances. Malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies can also make it impossible to succeed with a full-term pregnancy, and can increase the chances significantly of a baby born with birth defects.

Insomnia - having problems falling and/or staying asleep.

Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations.

Kidney Infection and Failure - kidneys cleanse the poisons from your body, regulate acid concentration and maintain water balance. Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection thus making permanent kidney damage and kidney failure more likely.

Lanugo - (soft downy hair on face, back and arms). This is caused due to a protective mechanism built-in to the body to help keep a person warm during periods of starvation and malnutrition, and the hormonal imbalances that result.

Liver Failure - the liver aids in removing waste from cells, and aids in digestion. Fasting and taking acetaminophen (drug found in over-the-counter painkillers) increases your risks for Liver damage and failure. Loss of menstruation and dehydration (putting women at risk for too much iron in their system), and chronic heart failure can lead to liver damage or failure.

Low Blood Pressure, Hypotension - caused by lowered body temperature, malnutrition and dehydration. Can cause heart arrhythmias, shock or myocardial infarction.

Lowered body temperature - caused by loss of healthy insulating layer of fat and lowered blood pressure.

Malnutrition - caused by undereating or overeating. Malnutrition indicates deficiency for energy, protein and micronutrients (e.g. vitamin A, iodine and iron) either singularly or in combination. It can cause severe health risks including (but not limited to) respiratory infections, kidney failure, blindness, heart attack and death.

Mallory-Weiss tear - associated with vomiting, a tear of the gastroesophageal junction.

Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches.

Osteoporosis - thinning of the bones with reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein, predisposing to fractures.

Osteopenia - below normal bone mass indicating a calcium and/or vitamin D deficiency and leading to Osteoporosis. Hormone imbalance/deficiencies associated with the loss of the menstrual cycle can also increase your risks of Osteoporosis and Osteopenia.

Pancreatitis - when the digestive enzymes attack the pancreas; caused by repeated stomach trauma, alcohol consumption or the excessive use of laxatives or diet pills.

Peptic Ulcers - caused by increased stomach acids, cigarette smoking, high consumption of caffeine or alcohol.

Pregnancy problems - including potential for high-risk pregnancies, miscarriage, still born babies and death or chronic illnesses from minor to severe, in children born (all due to malnutrition, dehydration, vitamin and hormone deficiencies).

Swelling - in face and cheeks (following self-induced vomiting)

Seizures - increased risk of seizures in Anorexic and Bulimic individuals may be caused by dehydration. It is also possible that lesions on the brain caused by long-term malnutrition and lack of oxygen-carrying cells to the brain may play a role.

Tearing of Esophagus - caused by self-induced vomiting

TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw (where the lower jaw hinges to the skull) creating pain in the joint area, headaches, and problems chewing and opening/closing the mouth. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes.

Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

Sources:

American Psychiatric Association  (1998), Eating Disorders.

Dept. of Health and Human Services (1987, 1995). Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia.

Also adapted from EDAP, Eating Disorder Awareness and Prevention, 1998, www,edap.org

nationaleatingdisorders.org


My hope…my desire…my purpose now in life…why I believe God has lead me down this path, is to help educate people. To use my story…my struggle…to stop the suffering of others. Please. If you know someone who is struggling…or you yourself are victim of an Eating Disorder, feel free to contact me. Any day, any time. You are not alone. You are not a failure. You are loved. There is freedom and there is hope. I know this because I was RIGHT there. And now I am HERE. Use me J

Much love,

Winter Grace

   

Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's Day began as a celebration of an early Christian saint named Valentinus. A popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. According to legend, during his imprisonment, he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius. Before his execution he wrote her a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell. SAD PANDA! I thought valentines day was sposed to be all about lil naked babies flying around with wings shooting cute arrows at stuff…not death…L

However…I wasn't really shocked…cause I never truly remember a valentine’s day that I enjoyed. Being homeschooled, we never had the pressure of getting OR receiving valentines from our classmates. Usually, my mom and dad would give us a little card and ask us to be their Valentines and we would be done with it. Boom.

As the years went on and boys, poor relationships, and experiencing my parents get divorced after 25 years of marriage jaded my love for Valentine’s day. Heck, it changed my whole view of love in general and I was now quite ambivalent toward the day of February 14. More or less, I was fine with drawing all over cupid’s face, maiming his very identity, popping every heart shape balloon that was in plain view, and running over all the chocolate box displays in the store with my shopping cart giggling manically. Ok…maybe not that far.

But this year, while chatting with a friend, he asked me what my plans were for Valentine’s day. I immediately went into my shpeel about how it is just a made up holiday that Hallmark created in order to make money. Not to mention, it is sexist because have you seen the card selection for males in Hallmark? Like maybe men want a card too? But I digress…

Basically he stopped me, looked me in the face and said…”So basically you have learned somewhere down the line or taught yourself to downplay Valentines day. So that if someone does something nice for you, swell! But if nothing really went down, then your hopes wouldn’t be crushed.”

 “EXACTLY!” I screamed! And since then I have been mulling this whole conversation. This year I have already been extremely blessed. My family is doing relatively well- the family that we have Hodge-podged together. I am back in school and have an amazing church family/friend group. AND I have been blessed with an amazing man whom God has put in my life to get to know…spend some time with…cuddle with…OK you get the picture! DATE J Now, I am a woman who doesn’t just date for ‘fun’sies. Heck, I was a self-proclaimed cat lady…minus the cats…who was going to be independent and be a single counselor and help lots of people…but I didn’t need no man to do all that. I was perfectly happy…just me myself and I. Then BAM. Oh….oh hey there God…oh you…you have this guy here. Hmm…well….fancy that… NOW WHAT THE H DO I DO WITH THIS…I was back spinning. My heart told me one thing…(DAMNNNNNBOYYOUFINE) but my head told me another thing (MALEMALEMALE=HURT<BROKENHEART<BADDDDD) Well, I am a pretty logical thinker. So ya know…we hung out during the summer of ’13 and then when I went back to school I ended it. Mostly because I am really good at sabotaging myself and my chances of ever allowing myself to be truly happy.

Then...dumdumdum… I finished up my semester back, came home for Christmas break…and got the BEST Christmas present I have ever got. A second chance with this man. I realized for so long I have stopped my heart from feeling. I starved it away. Ran it away. Pushed it all away. And it was dark and lonely. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Yes, I have been hurt. Show me someone who hasn’t. Yes, I am scared. Who isn’t? But it is better to love, to fully embrace and experience it and take the chance of being hurt than to never love at all.

I don’t know where this relationship will lead. But I trust God and I trust Jeremy. Check, check. I am excited/nervous/anxious/grateful/HAPPY to see what the future holds. Day by day J

Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest commandment.” He replied, “To love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22: 36-40

 I pray that every day I would become more proficient with loving the Lord with all of me. This, I hope, will help me to understand what the second commandment even looks like. I am good at loving on other people…but when it comes to even knowing how to love...heck even ACCEPT myself…I am at a loss. And how can one truly love others if they are focused on how much they despise themselves? How can one experience the love someone wants to give them if they will not even entertain the idea that someone DOES care about them? My goal is to allow the healing freedom and grace of Jesus to wash over me…to accept that I am perfectly imperfect and can give and receive love fully.

How does one do this? This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, one that I want to emulate not only to Christ and others but also to myself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

The last thing I want to share is this song that I fell in love with recently: All of Me by John Legend. I pretty much cry every time…which is awkward when I am in public and it comes on ;)

 

 

 ~All of Me~

[Verse]
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Bridge]
My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus]
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Verse]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head for you

[Bridge]
My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus]
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you,oh
Give me all of you

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Chorus]
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohh

Read more: John Legend - All Of Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwsYvBYZcx4