This
year I want to___ ___________fill in the blank.
January 1st- This seems to be the magical day
that apparently begins the year that you will eat healthier, lose x amount of
pounds, get in a relationship, END a relationship, be nicer, go to church more,
budget your finances, quit smoking, drinking, work harder, BE BETTER and any
other New Year’s resolutions that you come up with. I know for me the days
after New Years are always annoying…because my gym is packed…and then
attendance will wane like it always does… I hate all the pop ups on my Facebook
and internet page about dieting and lose this amount of weight this year…Thanks
but no thanks. Been there…done that. It didn’t make me a better person. I
wasn’t happy. It was miserable. Yet ED is good at making me forget this, the
King of Lies. But I am fallibly gullible…I made the foible, the utter mistake
of stepping on that DAMN scale after the holidays. Why? I don’t know…I regret
it and want to punch myself in the face…However, I will not do that. Just like
I will choose not to self-harm over the shock of the number I saw staring back
at me. I will not starve myself. I will try to refrain from over exercising. I
will hold myself accountable. I told my mom right away. I told people around me
that would understand and support me despite this stupid mistake. I tried to be
kind to myself. I tried to ask myself what I would tell someone close to me who
I cared about what to do in this situation. I breathed and prayed and
cried…because though the number is higher than ED thinks it should be…I am
alive. I am healthy. I have energy. And that number does not define me. I used
to feel like whenever I walked anywhere in my disease, I had a huge sign
stating ~ANOREXIC~ pasted to my forehead. Now I just feel like I have that damn
number stuck to me…everywhere. Why do I constantly hold myself to this standard
when I would NEVER judge or ask anyone what they weighed? IT DOES NOT MATTER TO
ME ONE IOTA! So why do I think I should hold myself some unit of measurement
that will fluctuate with age, the time of month, year…EVEN DAY! Good Lord. No,
this year I choose to focus on how I measure up to God! I choose to weight
myself by HIS standards. And that means getting up every morning, building my
fire, and letting it blaze for HIM. So that those who hopefully will see the light
in my eyes and not the death that was there last year at this time will know
that it is because of HIM~ For He who began a good work in us will be faithful
to complete it. But I sure as heck can’t complete that life if I am running on
empty. And even though I feel like controlling that number will solve all my
problems and give me a sense of control, of power, I have to constantly remind
myself of how THAT went. No. ED can no longer have that power. GOD has full
control of my life now. When I give Him ALL of the parts of me, not just the
ones I feel comfortable giving Him, there is success. There is victory in Him.
But alone, within my own power, I create disharmony and absolute misery for
myself, which then ripples out to my beautiful family. Last night was a family dinner with my dad for
his girlfriend. I didn’t want to go. In fact, I told myself I was not allowed
to go. Well, ED told me I couldn’t. Then my little brother (not so little
anymore…) called me on his way home from Portland. And he said this to me.
“I CALLED TO BITCH YOU OUT! YOU CAN’T HAVE PLANS TONIGHT!
YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME TO THIS STUPID FAMILY DINNER SO WE CAN SIT THERE AND
ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER! YOU MUST COME WITH ME! “
Yaaaaa #sorrynotsorry Im SOOOOOO not going so have
fun!
But then I prayed about it. I assessed why I really didn’t
want to go. And all the reasons I didn’t want to go were ED related.
F my life I told myself…It is so
weird/aggravating/incredibly hard to explain having two sides in your
head. If I go, my ED will be super pissed at me. If I don’t go, Winter will
feel badly. So I friggin’ went…after much debate and indecision and hemming and
hawing and NOT WANTING TO FRIGGIN GO. And yep, I was right…ED was pretty
pissed. He just saw that number on the scale going uppppp and upppp and upppp!
But ya know what was awesome…My lil brother…his girlfriend…my dad…THEY DON’T
FRIGGIN CARE WHAT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE IS! My lil bro just wanted me there
to keep him company. We ended up laughing till our guts hurt…I love him. And I
decided ED can’t keep me from my family. EVER AGAIN. Cause I don’t care…well…at
least I desperately don’t want to care about that stupid scale…It
doesn’t own me. Just like an inanimate object doesn’t care what it weighs. I
betcha anything my bed at home….it is not worried about how many pounds or
kilograms it weighs. It doesn’t wonder if the comforter I put on it makes its
ass look big or if the fitted sheets are making it appear to have a muffin top.
If it was rock hard and boney, I would not want to sleep on it. I need my bed
to be firm to support me, my back, and joints, but plenty soft and padded to
rest on and sink into.
This is my New Year’s resolution: To not care about that
insignificant number on the scale. On the treadmill. On the tag on my clothes.
How many calories are on my plate. I want to worry about the number of laughs I
have in a day, only counting the moments I am able to look back on and think
THAT WAS FRIGGIN AWESOME because I listened to God, my family, my friends and
someday MYSELF instead of friggin ED! J
My goal…not to weigh myself. My physical being. But my spiritual, mental, and
emotional self on a weekly basis and make sure I am on track and sustaining
myself. Of course, to make sure I am sustaining myself physically as well! But
to be kind to myself. To focus on those around me, those I want to help with my
degree, those who may be struggling and hurting with their own struggles. A
quote I read and stuck with me was this: Be kind to everyone around you for
each person is fighting their own battles. Amen and Amen! And can I get an
AMEN!? Everyone has their issues, whether it be smoking, drinking, money etc.
There are so many stumbling blocks in this world. My goal…this year…to help
kick those blocks in the balls, taking the power away from those things!
OWN 2014! FORWARD! Onward! UPWARD!