I had a busy schedule last week. I was the DJ, GoGo dancer, and bouncer at my very own pity part. I had a list of all the things that were stressing me out...because heaven forbid I would forget something I could complain about. The big F word was hawking over me like a storm cloud, a monstrosity of gray blurr. FUTURE
I was depressed and going down the scary road of passive suicidal thoughts...no bueno. I felt physically ill and disconnected. NOT myself. I wanted to do anything to get myself out of the funk and feel better. Unfortunately, none of the coping tools I wanted to utilize were beneficial to me or my recovery. People kept saying, "This too shall pass!" And to be honest, I wanted to junk punch them!
I KNOW IT WILL PASS BUT I WANT IT TO GO AWAY NOW~ Cause I'm all about the instant gratification. But I trudged on.
Friday afternoon I talked to my dad...awkward but it went OK...I kept it like cotton balls, light and fluffy. I chilled at home and rested since my stomach was twistin around like Flipper. My mom called me later in the evening.
"I thought you died!" I told her (cause to not hear from her for more than an hour must mean she is dead...yes I am aware we are the epitome of co-dependency)
"I was out to dinner, and you will never guess with who!" she responded.
After a myriad of guesses which oscillated among President Obama, Oprah, or Jesus, she answered with a response that shocked me more than any of those three answers ever could have. My dad...
My parents have been separated physically for three years, but relationally for much longer. The fact that they both willingly spent a few hours together...in the same room...without killing one another...on their own with no outside mediation almost made me eat my flippin shorts...and trust me...willingly eating is not something I do often either (;)
She went down a list of things they had discussed that night and concluded with the statement..
"I THINK I NEED THERAPY."
OK...so side note~ Swing back to all the years I have been struggling with my own shit and worrying about her and her shit begging her to get help...to talk to someone...NEVER did anything...And then all of a sudden she and my dad spend time together and she comes away thinking, hm maybe I should get some help too. Now, am I going to fool myself into thinking that she will? HECK NO. HOWEVER, I had an epiphany, a wonderfully freeing thought...I DON'T FREAKIN CONTROL A THING IN LIFE~ My family, others, the future...NOTHIN! I don't have that much power. And lately I have been exerting myself to the breaking point trying to make everything work...and it has been like trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole...nevagonnahappen.
POW!~ GOD SMACK~ Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Yesterday morning in my daily A.A. meeting, a 70 year old man shared how he has begun seeing a therapist. How even at his age he has begun to trust enough to open the vast recesses of his mind and share the experiences he went through in his life.
He said, "It is painful. But I finally have began healing. THAT is grace."
Thinking of it now, gives me goosebumps. What an amazing opportunity for him and message to me. That it is never to late. Yep, my childhood was messed up. My parents' marriage...yipes. But now, I have the chance to learn from it and if for some reason God has a man lined up for me...(eeeeehyamaybeweshallseeahhhhhhummmmmmmmmm) I can learn from the past and correct it today for a better future.
Yep, it sure has been painful...but that's GRACE~
