If you would have told me what my life would look like now a
year ago…I would have thought you were crazy. Because one year ago today, on
January 15th 2013, I was on a plane to Phoenix, Arizona. Upon
arrival, I was picked up and driven to Wickenburg, Arizona where I entered the
doors of Rosewood Eating Disorder center for the third time. I was still
fighting with my anorexia, heavy with shame and fear, and terrified of
recovering. I had lived this way for so long…how was I to know if the other
side- health- was better than this? If it was even attainable? I wanted to die.
Here is my journal entry from that day: January 15th
“Back at Rosewood- My head is telling me, yelling, cursing
me. You don’t need to be here. You are not that sick. What the hell are you
back for?
To get back on track…mentally it was time. Food is so hard.
I don’t want to eat at all. Struggling. I hate my body I wish it were sicker. I
don’t need to be here. God, help me. Quiet the voice. You have given me the
opportunity to go back. I don’t know why. But right now just hold me. Help me
to know it is going to be OK and that you have a plan. Because right now I
wasn’t to run. I don’t want to be here. I feel so wrong. Part of me just wants
to shrivel up and die. Am I really ready to come into treatment and accept the
fact that I can’t continue to attempt to kill myself anymore? Can I truly stay
in recovery? I don’t feel it is possible for me…I’ve tried and failed every
time. What is going to make this time different? I let my family down. They
have had to watch me do this so many times. I have nothing left of myself…Will
I ever be anything? God help me.”
What made the difference? Surrender…faith…determination. Rosewood
helped support me as I started slowly fighting back for my life. They taught me
how to eat again, how to sleep, how to pray, laugh, love and LIVE. They gave me
the tools to open the book of my story and begin on a new page. I am unable to
rewrite the past- with all its pain and foibles. But now I have the opportunity
to create a story dedicated to God’s saving grace, His mercy, His STRENGTH, and
His never ending love. Today I start classes again at U of I, studying
Psychology to one day help the world in any way I can by counseling those who
suffer. My debt was paid by Rosewood, by ANJ, by U of I when I couldn’t pay it.
And I am forever grateful for God’s endless provision.
Today, I have the best family I could ever ask for. A roof
over my head with two amazing roommates. A wonderful church. A man I can’t get
enough of…my boyfriend. A job playing with little kids. And amazing friends who
have supported me through my journey. Never give up…never surrender to death.
Because for all you know your dreams could be a day away~
